With all this crazy stuff that has been happening, I really try my best to remind myself that this is not only my deal going on. That's more easy to remember on days that I have to go over medical bills with my parents and feel like a leech for costing them and my insurance more money than I care to say. Medicine, surgeries, ER visits, doctors visits, MRIs… it adds up. But I often find myself thinking about me-me-me during this time. And I try to give myself a break on this--after all, I do have some gut wrenching pains wreaking havoc in my center of my body, pulling my focus inward. Focusing on myself is easy when my body is screaming for attention. However, the best distraction for this, which I unfortunately often forget, is to look outward. I need to tend to myself but I also need to remember that this hurt doesn't just hurt me.
I know that this is all very difficult on those who really worry about me. And going into their personal experience in a public blog doesn't really seem appropriate or fair to them. What I will say, is I feel for those who wish that they could stop all this and make the pain go away for me. I know I should cut back on my worrying, but I can't help but fret over the pain that me being sick and at times immobilized is inflicting on others. Those who have to care for me, be my taxi, help me on really bad days when I can't leave bed, or listen to me when I'm feeling so down I can't stand it. Who on my good days take me shopping and out to eat and around town. Who are willing to stick with me even on my worst days, when I can't stand how jealous I am of normalcy. Not only do they help me greatly but they are handling the difficulties of having someone they love suffer.
Some people have turned tail and run off during all this. I know illness makes some people uncomfortable. I think it scares people that getting sick could happen to them--that being young, exercising, eating right, doesn't necessarily mean you're 'safe' . I think some people want to believe that I did something to make all this happen, that I brought it on myself or it's my choice whether or not these medical problems interfere with my life. But I didn't--it just happened and it's not a choice. This experience has made me realize how unfair and unjust the stigmas out there about illness are. Sick people are not weaker than anyone else, they're strong people who happen to have fallen ill.
It can be greatly tempting to whine about this bad luck . Sometimes I do. But I know that I am also so lucky to have the medical treatment available to help me, my parents willingness to provide for me at this time, and an amazing boyfriend to support me . For those who have been my friends and helped me through this, I am really grateful. For whatever help I have been offered or received, little or great, I'm really thankful. I'm sure it can be really taxing to care for someone who is sick. Either because they need you too much or it's depressing to see someone so often hunched over and miserable. I've tried my best to be as independent as I can at this time--not to be stubborn, but to not be any more demanding on others than I already am. I wish I knew where exactly that balance fell--I collapsed yesterday (hurt my shoulder and back :( too) because I pushed myself too hard and wanted to do too much. But I am trying to find that balance and I hope it helps out those who are there to help me. Most of all I think it helps reassure people that I am strong and I am able to handle this. Maybe not by myself, but by the support of my family and friends--thank you.