I am a bit of a sarcastic person, and I momentarily considered titling this post as: 'the thorns of the rose that grows from my bleeding heart'. However, I remembered that sarcasm does not carry well over writing. So I am going to say it outright: this isn't meant to be a super serious post, and I'm hoping you can laugh at it with me.
With endometriosis, I have to be on birth control. And with having a body that apparently hates being told what to do, I have had to try a lot of birth controls. Over a dozen, at least, and I've lost count. Some of those hormone mixtures have made me a little more emotional than others. Which is a bit of a struggle for me. I hate to cry, yet now I am doing it all the time, sometimes without reason! It goes against my personality. Going through such tough stuff, I needed to grow into a less sensitive individual. Not in regards to the needs of others, but in regards to my own feelings, and I have definitely grown a thicker skin. But when birth control is around... I become a crumbled mess of tears and hurt feelings.
Well... this is the kind of relationship we had before I tried a certain birth control (I cannot remember the name--it's been banished from my memory apparently). While on this medication, I dug up old pictures of him and his ex-girlfriend, and demanded to know why he had been at a certain place at a certain time... YEARS ago... shouted that his family didn't like me... that he should just be with her if that's what he wanted... I was nuts. Out of nowhere, for no reason, I start bawling over lack of trust and I was flinging emotion-laden declarations of lack of support and not being understood.
Oh my gosh. I was crazy. I was so, sooooo crazy. I went from laid back and willing to discuss, to full on Spanish-soap-opera crazy. The sort of character you see in romantic comedies. The crazy one--not the main character, but her crazy friend. Or the crazy ex-girlfriend that the man is just getting over. The one with wide, twitchy eyes. I'm not sure if there was ever a time that my boyfriend was more grateful to live in a separate state. It may have saved his life in this case. We were both glad when that medication was marked a failure and stopped.
The one I am trying currently is a little more effective endo-wise (thankfully) and much less severe in its emotional effects. I no longer cry over him never buying me a teddy bear (which I don't even like, mind you). I no longer start fights with my boyfriend/family merely to start fights. So this drug passes in the crazy department.
But I'm still so much more touchy-feely than I used to be. I am definitely still sensitive... and I have turned into such a sucker for 'sad stories'. I used to be an action/comedy movie only lady, but lately... I've had... 'feelings'.
I had been in denial for months, but last week I had to admit something was wrong. I was watching Mulan. It gets to the part where she steals her father's armor and leaves to join the army. I start choking up. I'm holding back tears. A Disney movie made me cry. I felt like such a sissy.
After being a teenager, I had a few blissful years before I needed aggressive treatment for endometriosis. Years where I was on a mild birth control to keep from bleeding to death. I had made it past the years of teenager-instability and was loving the new constancy of my emotions. Yes, I still had the occasional melt-down, but it was a fully conscious choice.
Now, these pills... I swear that they have made me more sensitive than I ever was in my teen years! Not in a crazy, unstable way, so I suppose it's not a bad thing... but suddenly, I care so much about feelings. It is terrifying. I never know when I'm going to choke up and start crying. I had to explain some basic facts about endometriosis to a school official (the kind of thing I do routinely, trying to raise awareness) and I suddenly start blubbering. And while I tried apologizing and tried explaining that it was not even that upsetting, I burst into heavy tears. I cry over anything somewhat emotional or personal, the sort of things that never really got to me. And so far, there has been nothing I can do to stop it.
When my hormones get crazy like this, I seem to lose all self control when it comes to hurt feelings. And I've got to say, it has given me a new sense of sympathy and respect for pregnant women everywhere. Because that is how I feel now. I am on an emotional roller-coaster and never know where I am going to be dumped.
There is not so much any advice or wise words in what I'm saying. It is what it is. I think, if anything, I'm making a plea. Maybe it's not the same for everyone everywhere, but I feel like when my hormones get crazy, I have much less control over my emotions. My actions are still my own. I still have control over how I treat others, and I stand by something I have always said: a woman's period (or disease in this case), no matter how awful, does not entitle her to treat others badly. But I do not have as much control over how I react to things. And I must confess, hormones really do change how I 'feel'.
So here is my plea to people everywhere: let's give a little more allowance to sudden, hormone induced mood changes. Because holy cow, those little chemicals are monstrously strong. Please don't let my tears lower your respect for me!