Monday, July 23, 2012

Emotionality

So I'm giving it away with no poetry or complicated joke--I get really emotional sometimes because of endometriosis. Like I'm perpetually pregnant. I think it's funny... I'm a bit of a sarcastic person. And I wanted to title this post something like 'the thorns of the rose that grows from my bleeding heart'--completely joking, but then I realized there are quite a few blogs written like that, so I want to avoid confusion. This isn't meant to be a super serious post, and I'm hoping you can laugh at it with me.

With endometriosis, I have to be on birth control. And with having a body that apparently hates being told what to do, I have had to try a lot of birth controls. Over a dozen, at least, and I've lost count. Anyhow, some of those hormone mixtures have made me a little more emotional than others. Which is a bit of a struggle for me. I hate to cry, yet now I'm doing it all the time, without any reason! It goes against my personality. Going through such tough stuff, I needed to grow into a less sensitive individual. Not in regards to the needs of others, but in regards to my own feelings, and I have definitely grown a thicker skin. But when birth control is around... I become a crumbled mess of tears and hurt feelings.

One such example... my boyfriend and I are one of those awesome couples that hardly ever fight (four years and counting!). We've made it a priority in our relationship to have open and honest communication. Thus, issues are more likely to be resolved in small-to-moderate disagreements. I think we've only argued a couple of times. I actually cannot remember ever shouting or being shouted at. Well... this is the kind of relationship we had before I tried a certain birth control (I cannot remember the name--it's been banished from my memory apparently). While on this medication, I dug up old pictures of him and his ex-girlfriend, and demanded to know why he had been at a certain place at a certain time... YEARS ago... shouted that his family didn't like me... that he should just be with her if that's what he wanted... I was nuts. Out of nowhere, for no reason, I start bawling over lack of trust and I was flinging emotion-laden declarations of lack of support and not being understood.

Oh my gosh. I was crazy. I was so, sooooo crazy. I went from laid back and willing to discuss and turned into the women of romantic dramas that I have always feared. Well, maybe I'm thinking comedies. The crazy one--not the main character, but her crazy friend. Or the crazy ex-girlfriend that the man is just getting over. The one with wide, twitchy eyes and insanity in her step. I'm not sure if there was ever a time that my boyfriend was more grateful to live in a separate state. Usually it's the bane of our existence, several months at a time, but it may have saved his life in this case. We were both glad when that medication was marked a failure and stopped.

The one I am trying currently is a little more effective endo-wise (thankfully) and much less severe in its emotional effects. I'm no longer crying over never having been bought a teddy bear (which I don't even like, mind you). I no longer start fights with my boyfriend/family merely to start fights. So this drug passes in the crazy department.

But I'm still so much more touchy-feely than I used to be. I am definitely still sensitive... I have turned into such a sucker for 'sad stories'. When people look at my movie collection, they think that it belongs to a guy. It's filled with action/adventure/sci-fi--my favorite movie of all time is Gladiator. But lately... I've had... 'feelings'.

I had been in denial for months, but last week I had to admit something was wrong. I was watching Mulan (doing my morning bike ride on my inside trainer simultaneously). It gets to the part where she steals her father's armor and leaves to join the army. I start choking up. I'm holding back tears. A Disney movie made me cry. I felt like such a sissy.

After being a teenager, I had a few blissful years before I needed aggressive treatment for endometriosis. Years where I was on a mild birth control to keep from bleeding to death. I had made it past the years of teenager-instability and was loving the new constancy of my emotions. Yes, I still had the occasional melt-down, but it was a fully conscious choice.

Now, these pills... I swear that they have made me more sensitive than I ever was in my teen years! Not in a crazy, unstable way, so I suppose it's not a bad thing... but suddenly, I care so much about feelings. It's terrifying. I never know when I'm going to choke up and start crying. I had to explain some basic facts about endometriosis to a school official (the kind of thing I do routinely, trying to raise awareness) and I suddenly start blubbering. I tried explaining that it was not that upsetting, but I could not stop the flow! I cry over anything somewhat emotional or personal, the sort of things that never really got to me. And so far, there has been nothing I can do to stop it.

When my hormones get crazy like this, I seem to lose all self control when it comes to hurt feelings. And I've got to say, it's given me a new sense of sympathy and respect for pregnant women everywhere. Because that is how I feel now. I am on an emotional roller-coaster and never know where I am going to be dumped.

There is not so much any advice or wise words in what I'm saying. It is what it is. I think, if anything, I'm making a plea. Maybe it's not the same for everyone everywhere, but I feel like when my hormones get crazy, I have much less control over my emotions. I still have control over how I treat others, and I stay by something I have always said--a woman's period (or disease in this case), no matter how awful, does not entitle her to treat others badly. But I do not have as much control over how I react to things. And I must confess, hormones really do change how I 'feel'.

So here is my plea to people everywhere--let's give a little more allowance to sudden, hormone induced mood changes. Because holy cow, those little chemicals are monstrously strong. Please don't let my tears lower your respect for me!

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About The BedRiddenHead

I want to be happy. And this site is about that chance. How to strive to thrive in the body I've got and maybe turn my experiences into something worthwhile.

This site aims to help educate and reach out to people all over that struggle with pain or illness. To try and make something helpful. I work as a medical research writer, my background is in neuropsychology and biology, and I want to share what I learn in a way that is easy to understand. I am not a doctor. I'm definitely not your doctor. I am just some lady who wants to make someone's (anyone's) life a little bit better. Whether you have endometriosis, a chronic injury, a struggling friend, or just want to learn something new, I hope to make a place that has what you are looking for.

Thank you for stopping by, I wish you strength in your health, struggles, and happiness.