So I cannot really excuse or explain what happened to me recently.
I thought I researched and explored all the positives/negatives of my medications I am on. I thought I had challenged, I thought I had taken control, when really, I was on something I never should have been. I found myself suffering and I felt like I had failed myself and my mantra.
To summarize the situation, I was diagnosed with neurological damage in my abdomen and I had been trying various medications to control the pain caused by misfiring neurons. A lot of these medications made me very sleepy and dopey and I personally hated them. Every time I tried one, I was focused on researching what the possible 'uncomfortable' outcomes could be. Maybe because I was distracted, I missed a much more significant complication. The complication of a chemically induced depression.
Here I was, merely trying to stop my confused gut from telling me it was in constant pain, and suddenly I found myself severely depressed and not sure why. Yes, honestly, my life is not what I imagined it would be at 24 (no one wishes for chronic pain and illness when they 'grow up'), but I had been dealing with it fairly well. Why would I suddenly feel so awful about everything? It took some digging, but I figured out that it was caused by the pills and set about my process of ditching them.
When I stepped back and looked at the situation, it hit me how really terrifying medications can be. They change your body. Your chemistry. Your thoughts. Yet so many people pop them in with less consideration than what they will eat for breakfast that morning. And, even if they do inspect the possible outcomes for such powerful pills, they can still be surprised by unexpected and uncommon damages.
I have successfully removed the nerve blockers that affected me so poorly, but the problem with mood disorders is that once the chemical imbalance is created, it is difficult to reverse it. While I am not crushed under the weight of the dulling effects those medications created, I feel a bit better but not normal. I am going to have to word hard on myself before I can return to the same balanced self I was before. Like a building after a hurricane, the winds are gone but I still have damage to repair.
Repairs are ongoing and difficult, but I am optimistic I will return to my former balance again. I have the motivation and means and I refuse to let medications determine who and how I want to be. My only grudge is that I wish it was easier! Though I suppose the lesson would not stick so strongly if it were.
Please learn from my mistake. Investigate advice and prescriptions given to you with a high degree of skepticism. Do not fall into traps of certain biases; do not let your expectations shape your searches. Be strong, independent, and intelligent when you look at a treatment and think, "Is this really right for *me*?" Whether it is a doctor, lawyer, friend, family, or your dog, let yourself and your investigations influence the advice you follow. Because it is for you.